Bittersweet Revenge
by AcuteCoffeePie
Summary: (Note: Unlike my previous Dan Vs. fics, this one takes place as Chris and Dan as adults) Let's be real: Teenagers can be pretty annoying. Dan finds this to be especially true after rough encounter with a gang of the hormone-filled creatures outside of Burgerphile. He then sets out to have his revenge against those rotten punks after they commit a most heinous act of violence.


A scared Chris, looked up into his best and only friend's eyes. They were filled with a shocking amount of uncontrollable rage. Dan gritted his sharp, jagged teeth slowly and a deep growl, that resembled a wild animal's, came from his mouth. With fists so tightly clenched that his knuckles became white, he sharply spun around on his heels and stomped off in the opposite direction, leaving his poor friend behind.

"N-now listen, D-Dan." a shaking Chris stuttered as he laid, severely injured, on the cold ground. His body was entirely covered in multiple dark bruises, deep cuts, and bleeding scratches. With a trembling outstretched hand, he attempted once more, to call out to the shorter man.

"DAN! NO! DON'T GO! PLEASE!" he tried to rise, but stumbled back down. "C'MON! COME BACK! I'M BEGGING YOU! DAN!"

Unfortunately, his cries fell upon willingly deaf ears as he witnessed his angered buddy continue to march off until he was out of sight on that chilly, autumn day as the sun set off in the distance.

(**Three Days Earlier)**

"But, Chrrrriiisssssss!" whined Dan. "I'm hungryyyy. There's hardly any food in my own house. And I don't wanna eat here! Elise's cooking is terrible…"

"I HEARD that!" the said woman shouted from the next room.

"Yeah, I know!" Dan loudly retorted. "Pfft, yeesh. Your wife has an eavesdropping problem. You should tell her to work on that, ya know?"

Chris groaned and rubbed his temples. It started out as a peaceful, cloudy September morning. He and Elise would snuggle, watch the morning news, and chow down on the their morning meal. Unfortunately, their plans were rudely interrupted when his little angry friend barged in about thirty minutes ago. Truth be told, he and Elise weren't really all that surprised. They were used to Dan constantly dropping by, unexpectedly at the oddest hours for the oddest reasons. Usually, he'd start ranting away about some revenge plot he was devising and would then snatch away Chris for assistance. However, this time, he simply came in to groan about not having any food back at home for breakfast. The taller one secretly felt grateful for that. He was not exactly in the mood for any vengeance escapades.

"So, are we going or what, Monkeyface?!" Dan exclaimed, cutting the other's train of thought off

. "Er, wha?" questioned a puzzled Chris, who wasn't paying attention to his buddy's rambling.

Dan groaned and facepalmed. "Sheesh! I swear, it's like talking to some stupid animal...Heh, then again, I kinda am."

"Hey!"

"Okay,okay! Ugh. I ASKED you if you would like to pay Burgerphile a visit this lovely, fall morning."

"I don't know, Dan. I sorta just wanna stay in today." Chris said slowly.

"Oh, toughen up, ya oversized gorilla! Learn to live a little, like yours truly"

Chris rolled his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. It was truly and utterly pointless to argue with Dan. No matter what, he'd drag you into anything whatever the consequences were. That's just who he was and who he always will be. The brunette rubbed the back of his neck.

"Dan, your idea of 'living' typically includes arson, bloodshed, revenge, children screaming, and pain. Not sure if I wanna be a part of that."

The short man chuckled and went over to swing an arm around the other. "Pfft, yeah but who usually tags along with me?"

"More like FORCED to accompany you! Ugh!"

"Aw, c'mon! All I'm asking for is a burger run! Is THAT so much to ask for compared to the usual?!"

"Well, I, er, uh, um…..no, I guess not." stated Chris sullenly in defeat.

"See? Now, hurry up and get dressed already! We got breakfast to obtain!"

No sooner had he said that, Elise emerged from the restroom all primped up and ready for the day.

"Hey, you two. What's up?" she asked with feigned curiosity. She overheard their conversation from the other room. It was pretty hard not to listen when one takes in the fact that Dan is not exactly the quietest person around. Though, she knew that if she didn't pretend to not have heard what they said, the small one would start throwing accusations at her and tell her to mind her own business. And Elise was definitely not feeling up for that. She got it enough as it was.

"Oh, hey, gorgeous." greeted Chris. "Dan here just wants to go to Burgerphile for breakfast."

Elise grimaced. "Burgers? At eight in the morning? Sounds pretty unappetizing to me."

"Well, nobody asked you!" Dan retorted, his finger pointing directly at her. "Chris, please tell the harpy that she can't come."

"Dan, she can if she wants to." the tallest one said while throwing him a quick glare. "Wanna join us?"

"No!"

"Nah, that's alright. I was just thinking of spending the day indoors, anyway." Elise replied with a shrug.

Chris exhaled and mumbled. "You don't know how lucky you are.."

"Hey, you buffoon! I heard that! And the lady said she didn't want to come so let's get a move on already! Yeesh! It's bad enough you're a doormat! Don't gotta be slow too." Dan grumbled as he threw on his forest green jacket. What a way to start off the morning. First, he woke up with pounding migraine after a fitful night of sleep. Throughout the entire flippin' evening, dogs barked and horns honked, causing the little man to not obtain a wink of peaceful slumber. Next, Mr. Mumbles got startled by some jerk's car alarm and brutally scratched up her owner's face in fright. Last, he came to the heartbreaking discovery that he was all out of cereal and lactose-free milk. It was NOT going to be a great day at continued his muttering as he stormed out the door.

Elise rolled her eyes and poured herself a cup of coffee. "Sounds like SOMEONE'S in a bad mood."  
"Like he's ever in a good one." Chris chuckled.

"That's true." She replied, stirring some sugar in her warm, caffeinated beverage. "Just be careful while you're out there. I heard that a bunch of bengal tigers escaped the zoo yesterday."

Chris gulped nervously. "Oh boy. That's comforting."

A car honked loudly from out front. "HURRY UP, YA JERKFACE! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!"

A heavy sigh escaped Chris' lips as he hurriedly got dressed, brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He dashed through the living room to the front door but not before giving his wife a quick peck on the cheek. Upon stepping out of the house, he noticed that it was raining even harder now and that a very impatient Dan was awaiting for him in the shotgun of his blue car.

"Why couldn't we have just used YOUR car?" the taller one complained, climbing into the driver's seat. "After all, going to Burgerphile was your idea…"

"Tch! Whine! Whine! That's all you do. This is probably why Elise's parents hate you...that and the fact you eat so much...and also, in-laws are natural enemies. Come to think of it, heh, there are actually dozens of reasons to not like you."

"Hey!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Sheesh!...sort of" Dan muttered under his breath.

"What was that last part?"

"Ugh, nothing. Forget it. Can we just go now, please? I don't think my stomach can take much more of this lack of food."

Chris rolled his eyes and backed the car out of the driveway. He smoothly drove down the black pavement. "You know, you aren't exactly perfect either."

Dan gasped dramatically. "What do you mean?! I'm awesome! How could people NOT like me?!"

"Oh, you'd be surprised." Chris spoke through gritted teeth.

Dan narrowed his eyes. "Where are you getting at, exactly? Huh?"

"Well, you DO have a tendency to take things waaaay over the top, you know?" replied Chris.

"Oh really? Care to give an example, hm?"

"What about about the time you broke into a bank just for fifty cents?"

"Hey, I told you! I wanted what was rightfully mine!" Dan defended.

"Okay. How about when you spent MONTHS tracking down the Wolf Man only so you could key his car?" Chris continued as he made a right turn.

"Pfft, yeah okay. I simply wanted to even the score with him after he scratched my car. Besides, YOU were the one who suggested I murder the guy. Don't talk to me about overreacting, mister."

"Remember the time you dressed up as a psychotic hockey-mask-wearing serial killer with a weed wacker in an attempt to scare Elise, her parents, and I?"

"Oh, c'mon! I was just joking around! Lighten up, jerk." Dan groaned.

"Dan, I know I said this before, but you should REALLY get your emotional issues checked." Chris stated, suggestively.

"Uh, did you forget about the time I attended those lame anger management classes? Ugh. It's not like they did me much good anyway."

Chris bit his lip in aggravation. "Yeah, obviously.." he murmured.

Dan opened his mouth to protest but then clamped it shut and simply gave his friend threatening glare. Chris raised an eyebrow at this. Could it be that he was actually trying to control himself? Then again, he could just be secretly plotting to kill him….Although, despite his earlier statement, Dan HAS been doing slightly better at controlling himself. A small pang of guilt struck his heart. While he still had some pretty bad anger problems, Dan was really trying to be more content with difficult situations. And it was clear that he did not ENJOY being mad all the time. His anger has ruined many chances for him. Today was just a bad day for the little guy. Nagging Dan about something that he's trying to improve isn't exactly the nicest thing a friend could do. Chris sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that morning. He was typically a understanding and caring guy which is why he was a tad ashamed of himself for being so critical of his one and only pal. He should really apologize or something.  
The brunette cleared his throat. "Hey, Dan. I-"

"We're here." the said man cut off in a monotone voice.

Sure enough, just to their left, was none other than the duo's favorite fast food joint, Burgerphile. Chris switched on his turn signal and quickly swerved into the parking lot, pulling into one of the front slots. He put the vehicle in park, turned off the ignition, and unbuckled his safety belt. Turning to his right, he saw that Dan had already got out of the car and was now waiting at the front doors of the restaurant. He snatched the keys, locked the car, and dashed up to his friend. Without exchanging a single word, they both entered the small yet crowd-pleasing diner.

It was...dull inside. There were hardly any customers. The lights were flickering in a headache-giving manner. The air smelled of overcooked french fries. The music playing in the background resembled the kind you'd expect to hear in an elevator. Up front was a very bored looking cashier leaning against the countertop. The two friends approached the register. Still remaining silent, they combed the menu hanging high above them. Chris more so than Dan. The shorter one always ordered the same meal every time he dined at the eating establishment: a hamburger with ketchup only and a medium-sized lemon-lime soda. Each time he ate there, he'd be very sure that the cook would know not to put even a single slice of cheese on his burger. His allergy to lactose was extremely severe and having just the slightest amount of dairy could mean overwhelming stomachaches for endless hours. Switching his attention from the menu to the cashier, he placed his order.

"One plain hamburger, with some packets of ketchup on the side, and one medium Sierra Mist, please."

The woman typed away at the register, making various beeping and ringing noises. "That'll be $3.00 exactly, sir."

Dan mumbled and stuffed his left hand into his jean pocket in an attempt of finding the correct amount of cash. He was halted, however, when he felt a nudge on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw that it was mentally slapped himself. Who else could it be? They were the only ones at the counter.

"I got ya, buddy." Chris spoke.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. It was unusual for his best friend to ever pay for his food….willingly, that is. "Uhh, okay." he replied slowly. He then stepped aside, allowing the taller one a turn to place his order.

"Hmmm, let's see…" Chris hummed while stroking his chin. "I think I'll have, ummmm...two loaded double cheeseburgers….uhh, a large order of fries and a super-sized cola...aaaaand a medium chocolate shake.  
Dan rolled his eyes at the other's ridiculously huge order as the duo's meals were paid for.

"Thank you for choosing Burgerphile. Please return to the register when your number is called upon."

Chris nodded gratefully and gave his thanks as he and Dan went over to a teal-colored booth placed next to a window, allowing a view of the heavy downpour from outside. They settled into their seats. Awkward silence grew between them. Dan drummed his fingers against the table and his head rested upon his other hand while Chris just whistled uncomfortably. The only other noises that swirled in the atmosphere was the sizzling of burgers, buzzing of lights, and clanging of kitchen utensils. The heavy quietness amidst the two friends. eventually became too much to be tolerated.

Chris cleared his throat and spoke. "Look, Dan…" He sighed. "Okay, I'm sorry for nagging at you earlier. It wasn't very nice of me to do that, especially to my best friend."

There was no reply or reaction,for a moment, and Chris feared that the unbearable silence would return. Then, Dan spoke. Well, sort of. He really just shrugged and mumbled something along the lines of "It's cool." or "Whatever."

Chris continued. "I mean, I know you have been really trying to improve on your, uh….behavior and you have been doing better. Definitely. So, it was wrong of me to start criticizing you so harshly and-"

"Chris." Dan finally said. "Shut up."

The taller one was slightly taken back for a second upon hearing this. He feared that his best friend was forever furious with him. However, his worries were washed away when he saw the playful, yet forgiving, smirk on the other's face. He grinned in return and chuckled.

"Order number 6 is ready!" called out the cashier back at the counter.

Both men jerked their heads around to see that their food was at the front, waiting for them. Chris, eager for his meal, swung his feet out from under the booth's table. However, Dan rose and held up his hand.

"Eh, I got this." he stated very nonchalantly as he made his way to retrieve their breakfast.

"Uhhh, thanks…" Chris replied, surprised at his best friend's gesture.

Just moments later, the short one was heading back to the booth, a tray toppled with an array of multiple greasy fast-food delicacies. Chris licked his lips hungrily and rubbed his hands together. He was sort of glad, now, that they decided to hit Burgerphile for their early morning meal. The scrumptious smells wafted through the air as Dan sat down and placed the tray on the table top. In a flash, Chris snatched all of his ordered food and began to devour on them as if he was a starving animal. The one sitting across from him grimaced.

"Yeesh, Monkeyface. You're gonna die of a heart attack before you hit forty at this rate." he stated, taking a bite of his ketchup-only hamburger and a quick sip of his soda.

The brunette just rolled his eyes at the comment hurled at him and continued to feast upon his breakfast.

"Tch, Elise is gonna kill you if she finds out how much you ate, ya know? Didn't she try to put you on that, uh, cardboard-flavored food diet?"

The other smirked. "What she doesn't know, won't kill her."

"Yeah but it sure is killing me having to watch you constantly shovel artery- clogging, diabetes-causing crud down your giraffe sized throat." Dan retorted, finishing off his hamburger. He slurped down the rest of his beverage.

Chris waved a hand dismissively at his friend, chugging down the rest of his food. He then decided to change the subject. "Hey, have you heard about the bengal tigers on the loose? They escaped the zoo yesterday evening."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Pfft. I'm not surprised. The security there is less than stellar."

"Yeah I-Wait, how do you know-"

"To tell you the truth, I'm actually surprised there hasn't been any escapees until just recently. Now, get a move on, would ya?! Yeesh. I wanna catch _Al: The Viking Killer 2_ on TV before it's over." ranted Dan.

"Alright, Alright." Chris replied, hurriedly chugging down the rest of his milkshake. The duo then rose to their feet, made their way to the nearby trash bin, dumped away the empty cups and wrinkled wrappers, then exited the beloved burger joint. Upon leaving, they noticed a gang of suspicious looking people, supposedly teenagers, surrounding Chris' car. The mysterious, unknown group were snickering, smoking, and shoving each other around. A couple were zooming around the black parking lot on their skateboards, swerving around the maze of multiple vehicles of all shapes and sizes. While some of the rough-appearing adolescents were leaning against Chris' blue car, one boy in particular was lounging on top of the automobile's roof, puffing away a cigarette and laughing loudly. A deep growl broke out of Dan's mouth.

"Grrrr. Stupid, rotten no-good teenage punks. They always find a way to bug the heck out of me."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Really, Dan? They're just a bunch of kids. All talk, no show. All bark, no bite. They aren't any real harm."

"Pfft, says you! YOU weren't the one relentlessly savaged by them in high school. Trust me, Chris. Teens are essentially the spawn of Satan."

"Well, whatever the case, it's be best to handle this like ADULTS, Dan."

Dan and Chris approached the car. One by one, the bundle of rambunctious youngsters halted whatever they were doing, and gawked at the pair. Looks of confusion, disgust, and annoyance were plastered onto their faces. A girl with her hair tied into a tight braid, threw a soda can at the boy chilling on top to the car to get his attention. He sat up, threw away his cigarette, swung his legs over the side, and hopped down. Instead of appearing puzzled or irritated like the others, he seemed...cocky. It was as if he was unphased by the duo's sudden appearance. He grinned in a sort of devious way and shoved his fists into his sagging jean pockets. He sauntered up to them.

"So, fellas, what can I do for the two of ya?" he asked condescendingly.

"We-" Chris started.

"WHAT CAN YOU DO?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU AND YOUR POSSE OF SWEARING, ZIT-FACED PUNKS CAN DO! YOU ALL CAN STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR AND GO JUMP OFF A CLI-"

"Dan!" Chris whispered harshly.

The teenage boy facing them snickered and lifted his chin. He adjusted his dark sunglasses. His back straightened up. "Well," he began "It appears that you don't enjoy me and my friends' company."

"You bet your lousy self that we don't!" Dan roared in reply.

"Hey, by 'we' you mean 'you'. I personally don't mind them." retorted Chris.

"What do you mean?! How could you not MIND them?! Look at 'em!"

"Oh, they aren't causing any real trouble, Dan. Seriously, just take a deep breath and-"

"Why don't YOU take a deep breath! I'm not done explaining to the lame jerks what's up!"

Before Chris could respond to his friend's outrageous outburst, a vile snickering interrupted the duo's heated argument. The adolescent boy was the cause of the sound and that only infuriated Dan even more, as hard as it is to believe.

"Hey! Whatcha laughin' at, huh?! Don't think I'm afraid to hit a kid!" he stated, shaking his fist.

Chris rubbed the back of his neck and, once again, sighed. "Okay, look. Me and my pal here just need to head home so will you be ever so kind to, uh, step away from the car."

The once coy look on the teenaged boy's face was quickly washed away by a menacing, cold glare. He took a few, slow steps up to the tall brunette and stared him right in the eye. Chris shuddered slightly and gulped. "Uh...please?" he asked once more, this time more as a pathetic plea than a request. The kid remained eye contact with him for a moment more, not flinching in the slightest, then stood back and spat on the ground. He then whipped out another cigarette from his pocket and popped it into his mouth. He then turned his attention to the girl with the braided hair.

"Yo, Jamie. Give me some flame." he demanded. She complied to his order and, without the faintest bit of hesitation, hurled a green lighter towards his way. He snatched it gracefully, no awkward slipping of the hand or fumbling to be seen. After putting the open flame to the cancer stick in his mouth, he took a puff and looked back at the older men.

"Heh, what? You two never seen a guy smoke before?"

"ARE YOU CRAZY?! THAT JUNK WILL CAUSE YOU ALL SORTS OF MEDICAL PROBLEMS! WHY THE HECK WOULD YA WANNA BE USING THAT CRUD?!" Dan ranted as Chris held him back from launching at the boy.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. You know, you ain't very nice. I mean, here ya are, bossing me around and preaching to me." he then shot Dan a terrifying scowl. "And I don't LIKE people telling me what I can and cannot do, what I should and should not do. I also don't like it when they feel the need to bitch to me about WHY it'd be wrong to do so."

He jabbed finger into Dan's chest, only to receive a angry growl in reply. "Do you hear me?" he whispered through gritted teeth.

Before Dan could even muster up a answer, the boy leaned back, smirked, and patted the man's head. "Good. Glad we understand each , just to be sure you don't forget..." He then grabbed one of his buddy's skateboards and then approached the vehicle. Bringing it up into the air, he then swung it down harshly against the car door. A dent was created from the powerful impact. A pair of sharp, shocked gasps came from Chris and Dan. The teen chuckled then threw down the skateboard. Before he or the surprised pair of friends could say anything, Jamie called out "Let's beat it! There's a cop headin' this way!"

The teenage boy exhaled as all of the other wild adolescents scrambled away.

"C'mon, Kyle!" one of them shouted off in the distance.

The kid mounted upon the skateboard and sped away, calling out "Smell you later, losers!" as he departed.

Chris and Dan slowly stepped up to the now damaged blue car. Chis groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Oh great. Now, how am I supposed to explain this to Elise? Ugh, I know she'll be furious. Ugh. Well, at least it's just a small dent. Could be a lot worse, right Dan?...Uh, Dan?" he looked over to see the said man just staring at the crater carved into the door. He then clenched his fists, turning his knuckles a pale white. Trembling overtook his body and a furious blush spread across his face. The veins in his forehead pulsed vigorously.

Chris knew what was about to happen. He quickly covered his ears for the inevitable.

Swinging both clamped hands into the air, he yelled out "TEEEEENNAAGGE PUUUNNNKKSSS!"

(End of part 1)


End file.
